Everything In Between
by Miss Fenway
Summary: "Deleted scenes" from my story, 'Little Hollow'.  Four chapter fic of moments involving Logan and those closest to him.  NO SLASH!
1. Between the Dreaming and the Coming True

**A/N. It feels strange not writing an author's note for 'Little Hollow'. After all, that's what I've been doing for the past three months. But 'Little Hollow' has come to an end so the only thing I can do is write another story. This one focuses on some moments during the time of 'Little Hollow' when Logan was still sick. This particular chapter is set between C43 and C49 of 'Little Hollow'. I'd like to dedicate the first chapter to my Fan Fiction Twin, OneManWritingGames. Without her, my characterization of James would be half of what it is. And if you'd like to read a truly amazing story, read 'He Lives On' by her. I cry every time I read it but it's worth the tears. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you 'Everything In Between'. I still don't own anything.**

Logan Mitchell felt sick and tired. But then, he always felt sick and tired lately. The cancer inside of him was slowly tearing him down and he felt the pull of it every single day. Everything he ate made him sick causing a dramatic weight lost in the already slight frame. Everything he did drained what little energy he had. So most of the time he slept or laid around like an invalid.

He was an invalid. And he hated every second of it. He hated that his cancer was not only destroying him, but everyone around him as well. His best friends were slowly coming undone and he was terrified that it was only a matter of time before one of them snapped completely. Their worry for him was so out of control that they never looked after themselves anymore. Logan wanted to get better for their sake as much as his. He was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"Logan?" One of his best friends, James Diamond knocked on the open door and walked into Logan's bedroom. Immediately, his eyes swept over Logan, searching for any sign that something was amiss. He saw nothing out of the ordinary. The sad thing was, the dark circles and pale color of Logan's face had become ordinary. James sank down on the bed next to Logan and stared at his hands.

"What's up, James?" Logan asked quietly. He set aside his book and studied his friend carefully. Out of all his friends, James worried him the most. James, who until all of this had happened, had been obsessed with his appearance. He was forever looking in every single mirror he happened to walk by and he carried his lucky comb with him wherever he went, running it through his silky brown hair that fell almost to his shoulders. He almost always had a can of Barracuda Man Spray on hand in case he needed to attract a girl's attention.

Like he never needed an edge. James was really good looking. Back home in Minnesota the girls chased after him all the time. They came to all their hockey games, screaming his name whenever he did something remotely remarkable. It was no different in LA except for the fact that James had met a girl named Julie and the two were steadily developing a close bond.

But James was different now. When he had been self-obsessed it frequently became irritating. But Logan found himself wishing for hat missing part of James more and more every day. Because it was killing him to see his friend, who had once been so passionate about becoming a star in Hollywood, slowly retreat within himself more and more with each passing day.

He was depressed. James was depressed. The three words didn't seem right together but Logan was forced to arrange a sentence with them. He had been depressed ever since Logan had been pronounced dead only to return to them. Up until then, Logan had been worried about Carlos. But Carlos seemed greatly encouraged by the miracle and was more optimistic than the shadow he had been before. James was a mess now. He was depressed and that scared Logan more than anything his cancer could do to him. He had been trying to shove another word out of his mind for weeks but when he was alone it spun around in his mind like a demented carousel.

Suicide. What if James was depressed enough to take his own life? The thought made Logan feel sick to his stomach and he struggled to bring his thought back to the present.

James' fingers twisted around each other nervously and he couldn't bring himself to look at Logan. "Well, Kendall and Carlos and I were wondering if. . ." His voice trailed off and he glanced quickly at Logan before dropping his gaze again.

"If?" Logan prompted.

"We were wondering if you wanted to watch a movie." The words fell out in a rush and James fell silent once more.

It was obvious was James was so hesitant. Despite the fact that he slept more than anything else, Logan was constantly tired. But Logan ignored the weariness that tugged at his consciousness and nodded his head. "Sure. What movie were you thinking of?"

James looked surprised at Logan's quick agreement but the light in his brown eyes died down as quickly as it had appeared. He shrugged. "We didn't pick one. You can if you want." He stopped and watched Logan yawn. "If you're too tired-"

"No." Logan said quickly. "I'm fine." He smothered another yawn. "What about _'Miracle'_?" He asked, hoping for a any kind of positive reaction. _'Miracle'_ was James' favorite movie.

James shrugged again. "Sure, that sounds good."

Logan sighed and stood up, shaking up the lightheaded feeling that accompanied any quick movement. "So let's go then." He wanted the old James back. The one who would be demanding that Logan watch the movie instead of studying. Not that Logan had anything to study for since he had dropped out of school. But if the old James was back then Logan probably wouldn't be so sick.

James and Logan wandered out into the family room where Kendall and Carlos were waiting. Both looked pleasantly surprised to see that Logan was with James. Logan sat down while James, like a puppet being held on by invisible strings and controlled by an invisible puppeteer, silently found the DVD and slid the disc into the player before joining his friends on the couch.

The movie started and for a brief time, everything seemed normal. Everything seemed right. But it was a false sense of security and even when James laughed at a scene in the film, Logan heard the hollow tone and he was brought back to reality with a thump. The fear in his chest tightened and he shifted slightly closer to his friend, determined not to let him go.

* * *

Logan opened his eyes. He was back in his bedroom, tucked carefully beneath his covers. His face heated in embarrassment when he realized that he must have fallen asleep during the movie and one of his friends had carried him to his bed like he was a little kid. It wasn't the first time it happened and it probably wouldn't be the last considering his tendency to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. But he hated it all the same.

He sat up in confusion. Why had he even woken up? The house was dark and silent and he still felt exhausted. Logan glanced at the red numbers of his alarm clock. 1:34am. Way past midnight. Everyone else was asleep by now. Logan debated laying back down and shutting his eyes but it was too difficult to ignore the feeling of uneasiness in his stomach. So he swung his legs over the edge of his bed and stood up, flinching slightly at the cold wood on his bare feet.

His feet led him out of his room and down the hallway. He stood in confusion in front of the closed door to James' bedroom and wondered what he was doing there. James was asleep. He didn't want to wake him. But apparently it was only his brain that didn't want to wake James because his hand slowly moved upwards and turned the knob, shoving the door open in one smooth motion. His other hand flipped the light switch and he froze.

James was standing in the middle of his room, his back turned towards Logan. But in his right hand, James clutched a gun and as Logan watched, paralyzed with fear, James brought the gun up to his head and rested it on his temple.

Suddenly Logan regained control over his own body and he stumbled forward. "James!" He hissed in a whisper, completely unsure of what he was supposed to do. "James don't do it. Please! Put the gun down, okay?"

But James acted like he couldn't even hear Logan. As Logan reached him he saw an empty look in his eyes. It was almost like James was doing it in his sleep except for some reason, Logan knew that he was wide awake.

Tears blurred his eyesight and he grabbed James' free hand, too afraid to touch the one that held the fatal weapon because it could go off accidentally and injure or even kill one of them. "James, please." He said, shaking his friend's hand to claim his attention. "Don't do this. Don't leave us."

Then James turned to him and Logan almost dropped his hand at the blank, apathetic expression on the once "But you're leaving us." He whispered right before he pulled the trigger.

* * *

"No!" Logan shot up in bed, breathing heavily. His heart pounded so hard in his chest that he was afraid he would have a heart attack. He waited for someone to come rushing in, alarmed by his panic cry. Maybe they could even hear his heart thudding away. He laid a shaking hand across his chest and took deep lungfuls of fresh air.

It was just a dream. A nightmare really. An awful nightmare. But it wasn't real. That was what mattered. Logan waited for the crashing of his heart to subside and for someone to come. But while his heart slowed to a more normal pace, he didn't hear a sound in the house. He breathed a sigh of relief. At least he hadn't woken anyone up. He looked at the clock and shivered slightly. 1:34am.

He laid back down and stared into the inky blackness of his dark room. He was afraid to close his eyes. What if he saw James again and- Logan couldn't have fallen asleep then no matter how tired he was. He had to check on James.

Once again he found himself walking down the hallway. But before he could reach James' room, Logan noticed a thin stream of light coming from the bathroom door. Again, his body ignored his brain and pushed the door open. It wasn't even fully closed to begin with. And again, Logan froze.

James lay on the floor, his eyes shut. On each wrist there was a deep cut out of which blood was streaming out of and onto the white linoleum floor.

Logan dropped to his knees besides his unconscious friend and tried to call for help. But terror squeezed at his throat until he was choking. At the same time his hands were reaching out and yanking bath towels from their racks. One hard tug brought the entire rack down with a resounding crash and Logan sighed in brief relief because surely the sound would alert someone. Still coughing and choking, Logan grabbed James' wrists and wound the towels tightly around, trying the stop the flow of life.

"Help! Somebody please!" He finally found his voice and screamed the words as loud as he could. "James needs help! Call 911!" But his words echoed in the empty house and as the blood seeped through the cloth, Logan brought one of James' limp hands up to his face and cried.

* * *

Logan's eyes snapped open and he looked around wildly. He was in his room. He sat up, shaking. What on Earth was wrong with him? What kind of person had these kinds of nightmares/ Not normal people, that was for sure. He was losing it.

A glance at his clock told a familiar story. 1:34am. Something tugged at the back of his mind. There was something significant about the time 1:34. But his tired and shaken mind refused to cooperate. Logan let out a deep sigh. He had to check on James for real this time. Because both of the nightmares had seemed so real. He felt like a baby but he knew that James would understand. And he didn't even have to know if Logan was quiet. All he wanted to see was James sleeping. Breathing. Alive.

Logan pushed aside his tangled sheets and stood up. He was shaking and it was hard to walk because his legs felt loose and weak. But he pushed himself across the hall and into James room.

On his way, Logan couldn't help but poke his head inside the bathroom. He sighed in relief when he saw that it was empty inside. He stopped to lean on the wall and rest. He was so tired. He felt slightly light headed and gripped the counter with one hand. When the dizziness passed, he straightened up to leave the room. As he did, his fingers brushed against something and he looked down.

At first Logan was confused. Pill bottles were spread out over the counter. Empty pill bottles. On closer inspection he realized that they were _his_ empty pill bottles and he felt even more confused. Doctor Walsh has just given him his refills two days ago. There was no way that he should be out.

Then it was like a light went on in Logan's mind and he spun around so hard that he smacked his hipbone into the door knob. He barely registered the pain though as he raced toward James' room and flung the door open.

Logan was smart. Brilliant maybe. It was rare that he was wrong about anything and even rarer for him to be wrong about something important. But in that moment, Logan dearly wished that he could be wrong. Because sometimes, it was even worse to be right.

James lay perfectly still in his bed. From where he stood, Logan could not detect the slightest motion. Ignoring what he knew, Logan fell again to his knees by James' side. He grabbed his friend's shoulders and pulled him roughly to him, falling back as James' heavier body slammed into his small one.

"James!" Logan pleaded, as tears began to stream down his face. "James, wake up! He tried to rub warmth into the frozen limbs as words continued to come from him, falling on deaf ears. James' head rolled around loosely as Logan continued to shake him and beg.

Logan felt a blackness closing over all around him and he let the limp body fall to the floor. He bent over and laid his head on James' chest. When he failed to feel a heart beat or the rise and fall of breathing, Logan knew that his best friend was gone forever. "Why?" He pleaded to James uselessly. "Why?" He closed his eyes and let the blackness swallow him up.

* * *

Logan jerked awake. His body shook with silent sobs and he sat up so fast that he ended up on the floor with a thump that was dulled by his accompanying blankets. He grabbed onto the the edge of the nightstand and jerked the clock from where it sat. 1:34am. The numbers seemed to laugh at him and the clock fell from his shaking hands. Without trying to calm himself down this time, Logan stood up and rushed toward James' room.

"Logan?" James had been awakened instantly by the footsteps in his room. His eyes widened when his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room and he could make out the shadowy form of his friend standing over him. In one smooth motion, James sat up, switched on the lamp by his bed, and grabbed his cell phone. "What is it, Logan? What's wrong?" He asked, urgently, his fingers ready to dial for an ambulance. He waited for Logan to tell him that he was sick or in pain but the words never came.

Instead, Logan sank down onto James' bed and stared at James with an unreadable expression on his face. James looked at his friend closer. His face was pale and he was soaked in sweat. His whole body was shaking and. . . Logan was crying.

"Logan, talk to me." James begged. He pulled Logan into a hug and shut his eyes. He didn't have a clue what he should do. Was Logan in so much pain that he couldn't talk? Was that was he was crying? James debated running for help or simply calling the hospital on his cell phone. But something held him back from taking any action and he simply waited.

"You're alive."

At Logan's words, James' body stiffened and he tried to pull Logan away so that he could see his face again. But Logan's fingers had dug into his T-shirt with no intention of letting go. He pressed his face in James' chest and cried.

"Logan, of course I'm alive. What are you talking about?" James begged again.

This time Logan's response was swift. "I had a nightmare." He said, his voice slightly muffled. "You died."

James' body slumped in relief. "Logan, it was just a nightmare. You're awake now. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Logan pulled away enough to shake his head. "You don't understand." He whispered.

How could Logan say that? James had watched him actually die and it hadn't been a nightmare. It had been real. But James didn't dare say his thoughts out loud. He waited for Logan to speak again.

Once again, it didn't take long. Logan pulled away further this time and looked at James. "You killed yourself." He said, his voice shaking. "Three times. I kept waking up and you kept killing yourself over and over again. First you shot yourself in front of me. Then you cut you wrists. And then you took all of my pills. You overdosed. And I couldn't get help. No one would come. You kept dying right in front of me and I couldn't do anything."

James could only stare at Logan. He was speechless. Was this what he had been doing to his friends and family in his state of depression? Even now, Logan was shaking like he might never stop. "Logan." He finally choked out. What could he say?

"I know that it was just a dream, I mean a nightmare. But James, it was so real. Every time I thought I woke up I was just in another nightmare. It was so strange too. Every time I looked at my clock it was 1:34am. Even when I woke up this time it was 1:34."

1:34. James' breath caught in his throat. Logan's time of death. Since that day everything had changed. Though Logan had ultimately returned to them James would never forget that day. He would never forget the way Logan's face had taken on an inhuman blueish tinge when he stopped breathing. He would never forget the way Doctor Walsh had ordered them out and then began performing CPR on Logan. And he would never ever forget the loud crash of instruments as Doctor Walsh shoved a tray away or the broken tone of his voice when he announced Logan's time of death. The images, the noises, haunted James 24/7 and pulled him down under the sea he was drowning in.

When he saw James' expression, Logan's own face went from confused to understanding. "Oh." He said quietly. He took a deep, steadying breath. "James, it's okay now. Why can't you move on?"

"Move on?" James repeated. "Move on and pretend it never happened? I saw you die and I'm supposed to just forget about it and move on? No. No, Logan. It's not okay. It never will be okay. You died and even though you're alive right now you could still die any day now. That makes it not okay."

"If I do die," Logan said, ignoring James' small rant. "James, promise me you won't kill yourself."

James' mouth tightened into a hard line, but his eyes filled with tears. "I can't." He whispered. "Logan, I don't know if I could go on if I lost any of you guys. You're my best friends and-"

"Yes." Logan agreed. "We are. So James, what will happen to Kendall and Carlos if I die and you kill yourself? What will happen to your family?"

In all honesty, James had never even thought of the others. Logan's words were like a bucket of ice cold water on his face and James stopped. He stopped trying to convince Logan that his suicide was justifiable. He stopped trying to convince himself that it would end his pain. Because the end of his pain would mean a whole new world of pain for everyone else. "I didn't think." He admitted. "I was so selfish that I was blind to see how it would affect anyone else. All I could think about was _me _and bringing _my _pain to an end. That's not right is it?"

Logan shook his head. "No, James. It isn't. You'd be leaving behind so much. All for nothing. I might die and I might live, James. But either way I want you to keep living. For me and for everyone else but most importantly for yourself, James. Because you and Carlos and Kendall are probably the three most amazing people in my life and you're all way too important to just give up on life just because you lose me."

"You say it like it's supposed to be easy." James said slowly. "But it's so hard, Logan. It's so freaking hard sometimes. And if you die I know it'll only get harder."

"Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better." Logan replied. "But don't even think about the future right now, James. Right now is what really matters. And right now I'm alive. And I want you to want to be alive too."

Logan was right of course. He was wise beyond his years sometimes and tonight had been no exception. His words had given James a hope that he didn't know he could have and the darkness inside of him was shoved aside, at least for the moment, in exchange for a little light. "Okay." He finally said and he watched as the fear left Logan's eyes and smiled. "Are you okay now?'

Logan hesitated then shook his head. "Not really." He said honestly. "Do you mind if I sleep in here tonight? On the floor?"

James snorted. "The floor? Logan, don't be ridiculous. If you're uncomfortable with sharing a bed than I'll sleep on the floor. But I don't mind."

Logan sighed in relief and laid his head down on the pillow. James laid down too and even after Logan fell asleep within ten minutes, James stayed awake. He watched Logan breath, each inhale and exhale, a reminder that Logan was alive. Tears crowded his eyes and slid down onto the pillow as James leaned closer in to feel the warmth radiating from his friend's body, another reminder that Logan was alive.

Depression didn't just hurt him. It hurt the people around him and tonight James had seen how badly Logan had been hurting. The thought that his friends and family felt the same way made more tears run down James' face. He was still afraid that Logan would die way before his time. And he still didn't know if he would be okay if that ever happened. But for the time being, he had hope that everything, no matter what, would be okay.

**A/N. And so ends chapter one of another multi-chapter fic. I feel happy. I only hope that you all enjoy this, and my future fics, as much as you enjoyed 'Little Hollow'. Please review and tell me what you liked if you liked anything. I love you all! Oh, and I hope to have this finished within a week. It'll only be four chapters so I'm optimistic. Once school starts. . . Let's not think about that right now. Anyway, thanks for reading!**


	2. Actions Speak Louder Than Words

**A/N. I realized last night that this story is a result of me failing to really end 'Little Hollow'. Because I don't want it to end. But it will. Officially. After this story. Then a whole different set of angsty stories will be coming your way. I can't leave those poor boys alone. Anyway, hope you like this chapter! It's set in the days following C43 before Logan goes home from the hospital. I still don't own anything. . .**

Kendall shifted uncomfortably in the hard plastic chair. He felt strange, sitting in Logan's hospital room without James or Carlos. But his two friends had been temporarily dragged away by their families visiting from Minnesota. It was a good thing, really, that they could get out. Most of their time was spent either at Palm Woods or at the hospital. Just the same, the two had protested vehemently, only relenting when Logan himself told them to go with their families.

Logan _would_ tell them that. He had tried to get Kendall to do the same thing but Kendall absolutely refused to leave his sick friend alone for an entire day. It wasn't like Logan had any family to be with him. He had been adopted by Kendall's mother but she had Kendall's little sister Katie to take care of and a hospital was no place for a ten year old to be all day long. As for Camille, Logan's girlfriend, she had several auditions scheduled and would be busy. So that left Kendall and no matter what Logan had to say on the matter, he couldn't be convinced to leave even for an hour.

Kendall watched his friend. Logan was sleeping. Again. But he was breathing. Kendall could hardly believe it even though it was happening right in front of him. Only days before, Logan had died. The doctors had pronounced him dead at 1:34pm. Kendall shivered involuntarily. He would never forget that moment when his world had come undone. But on the same day he had witnessed a miracle and his world had become whole again. Logan had come back to life. It was as simple as that. He was alive.

Still, even as he watched the rise and fall of Logan's chest, Kendall found it hard to believe that things would stay like that. He didn't want to admit it to anyone because he was the leader. He was supposed to be the strong one and hold the rest of then together. They were all counting on Kendall to come through like he always did. He couldn't let them down. What would they think if he told them that he was convinced that Logan was going to die?

"Kendall?"

At the sound of Logan's voice, Kendall jerked out of his thoughts and forced a smile to his face. "Logan, hey. How ya feeling, buddy?" His green eyes searched Logan's and found only pain.

But Logan still managed to return Kendall's smile. "I'm okay." He answered in a weak voice.

_Translation: You feel awful. _Kendall thought to himself. It made sense though. Logan was recovering from a kidney transplant that the doctors hoped would give him a fighting chance against the cancer that was ravaging his body. From the research Kendall had done on the surgery, patients were often extremely weak and in a great amount of pain. Though he wasn't surprised that Logan was in the state he was, it still hurt to see him. Especially since he was to great lengths to his his discomfort. Kendall cleared his throat. "Do you need anything?"

Logan coughed, the sound similar to a gasp for air, and his face tightened in pain. "Ow." He whispered. His left arm wound protectively around his sore body. He met Kendall's concerned gaze. "Some water maybe?"

Relieved to help, Kendall took the glass from the bedside table. One arm wrapped around Logan's back and helped him as he sat up. He tried to ignore the fact that he had to do most of the work because Logan's entire body shook with the effort. But the hand that held the glass to Logan's lips trembled just slightly in fear and when Logan was laying back down Kendall was glad to set it back on the table on a steady surface. "Any better?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice steady.

"Yeah. Thanks." Logan nodded slowly and shut his eyes. At first Kendall thought he had drifted back to sleep but a minute later he spoke again. "Thanks for being here, Kendall. I know I'm not much fun like this."

Kendall glared slightly at his friend. "Logan, don't say that. I'd rather be here than anywhere else right now. So would James and Carlos."

"I'm glad they're with their families though." Logan opened his eyes and looked tiredly at Kendall. "They need to be."

"You're right." Kendall agreed. "They don't see them that much anymore. But I see my mom and Katie all the time. Besides, I can't leave you alone. Not like this, Logan."

Logan smiled, his pale face brightening a little. "You're a good friend, Kendall. You all are." His smile faded and he shifted a little beneath the sheets, wincing as he did so.

Kendall jerked up straight. "Logan? What is it? What do you need?"

"What time is it?" Logan asked. His teeth were clenched in pain and he squeezed his eyes shut as though it might help ease his discomfort.

"Um, about 2:30." Kendall answered. "Why?"

"Can you call the doctor?" Logan hated taking pain medication. He hated the way it made his every limb feel heavy and useless. He hated the way it made his chest feel like something heavy was laying across it. He hated the way it made him fall asleep. But every part of his body was throbbing so badly that even laying down, he felt dizzy.

Kendall instantly stood up and pressed the call button for whatever doctor was on call. It wouldn't be Doctor Walsh. His adult daughter had just given birth to his first grandchild that morning so he had taken the day off. Kendall mentally went through a list of the doctors they had met and tried to think of who he hoped most would come. He didn't care that much. All he cared about was the fact that Logan was in enough pain to ask for help. "Someone will be here any minute now, Logan." He tried to sound reassuring and encouraging like he used to. But his words sounded weak even to him.

Then Logan's door opened and Kendall stiffened. Doctor Neil Stevens, a man disliked by everyone who had ever had the unpleasant misfortune of meeting him, strolled into the room. "What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?" He asked in a flat tone.

"Um," Logan managed to bring himself into a sitting position with Kendall's help. "I was wondering if you could possibly give me anything for the pain. It's 2:30 and the last time I had some morphine was-"

"I know when your last dose was." Doctor Stevens interrupted. He consulted his notes and then shook his head. "I think you're better off without it. At least for the time being. We'd like to try and get you off pain medication or at least less dependent on them."

"You're kidding, right?" Kendall exploded before Logan could say anything. He stood up and turned to face the doctor. "Logan never asks for pain meds. He's asking for some now because he's obviously in a ton of pain. And you're not going to give him anything?"

Doctor Stevens raised his eyebrows at Kendall. "No." He said simply. Clearly he remembered the last verbal spat he and the teenage boy had gotten into because he turned and began to leave the room.

"Wait a minute!" Kendall protested. "You can't be serious. Look at him!" He flung an arm back at Logan who had both arms wrapped around himself in a feeble attempt at soothing his own pain. "You're a doctor! Do your job for once in your life!"

"Kendall-" Logan started to speak but he was cut off again by a livid Doctor Stevens.

"Young man, I don't believe you have any right to tell me how to do my job. I've been a doctor for over ten years now so I'm perfectly capable of telling when a patient needs medication and when they do not. Your friend-" He broke off and mimicked Kendall's pointing finger. "Does not. Now if you'll excuse me I have other patients to attend to. Other patients who are in more need then your friend."

"He's dying!" Kendall suddenly yelled. His voice stopped Doctor Stevens as he turned to leave. "How much more does he need you right now? How can you say that you're doing your job? You don't care about Logan or any of your patients. All you care about is the big fat check that comes your way every month. You're-"

"If you don't stop right this minute I'll have security remove you." Doctor Stevens broke in. His voice was low and dangerous. Anger laced every single word and his face was bright red. "Now," He said as Kendall actually took a step backwards. "Do you have anything else to say?"

Kendall shook his head mutely and watched helplessly as the doctor turned and left the room. He sank into his chair besides Logan's bed and put his head in his hands.

"Are you okay, Kendall?"

Logan's voice brought Kendall's head out of his hands and he looked at Logan. "Me?" He asked. "I'm not the one who needs anything, Logan. And that stupid idiot won't give you anything and I can't help you at all." The incident with the doctor had left him shaken and for once he didn't bother to hide the despair in his voice.

"Kendall, you can't fix everything." Logan said gently. He shut his eyes. "It's not really that bad anyway."

"You're lying." Kendall shot back. "Logan, I don't think I've ever seen anyone in as much pain as you are right now. Not even on TV or in a movie. You need help."

"I'm okay." Logan insisted. "I will be anyway."

"When?" Kendall asked bitterly. "When you've finally passed out from the pain?"

Despite his pain, Logan laughed then winced. "Maybe." He stared at the ceiling in deep thought. "So, why aren't you okay? Because you're obviously a mess right now."

"I just said why I'm a mess!" Kendall exclaimed. "Logan, I hate this! I hate seeing you sick and in pain like this! I hate that stupid doctor who calls himself a professional! I hate your father even though he's dead because he almost killed you. How am I supposed to be okay, Logan? I'm supposed to the leader and I can't even get you some freaking pain medication."

"Wow." Logan raised his eyebrows. "You're pretty ridiculous you know that right?" It was obvious that he was trying to make Kendall smile or at least relax. But the pain never dulled in his brown eyes. "Kendall, it's not your fault that Doctor Stevens won't give me anything. And he's right. Sort of. I just wish he'd give me a little warning. He's not going to go the entire day without giving me anything. He's just going to stretch out the doses a little. That's all."

"That's all?" Kendall repeated in disbelief. "Logan, you act like it's not a big deal but I can see that you're hurting so much." His voice broke slightly. "Don't you understand? I've always been the leader. I've always had an answer. I've always had a solution or a plan. And now I have nothing." Despite his best efforts, Kendall began to cry. "And now I'm bawling like a baby when you're the one who should be crying right now." He said miserably.

"Kendall," Logan pleaded sadly. "Don't cry. And don't beat yourself up. You are helping me just by being here. You know what I can't believe? The fact that I have you and Carlos and James as my best friends. Because after everything else that's happened I feel like I don't deserve to even know you. But I do. And that makes all the pain worth it." He looked Kendall in the eye and for a brief moment the pain was gone and was replaced by determination. "I'd rather die now then live to be a hundred and never know you three."

"Don't say that!" Kendall said horrified. "Logan, we're not worth it."

"No?" Logan challenged. "What would I have in my life that would be worth living for? Worth fighting for? You think I came back because cancer is fun to have? No. I came back because I saw how much pain you guys were in and Kendall, it killed me. It hurt so bad. You've done so much for me. All of you have. You kept me alive when I wanted to kill myself. You brought me back. I'd be dead if it weren't for you three. And all that time, Kendall you never had to say a word. All that mattered was that you were always there when I needed you the most."

"I wish I could do more." Kendall said quietly. "I wish I could sneak you something."

A smile crossed Logan's face. "That means a lot too, Kendall. More than you know. But I have you right now. And I'm sure it won't be long before James and Carlos join us. What more could I ask for?"

**A/N. I didn't like this as much but I have excuses. One, I had a long, hard day at work. Two, I watched 'The Prestige' and my mind blew up. Christopher Nolan messes me up all the time. And three, I was seriously blown away by the response I got for my other current story, 'Three'. I never expected all the reviews and the amazing words of encouragement. I love you all so much. You guys never fail to leave me speechless. Anyway, now that I've been all sappy I have a few things to tell you. One, I hope to get C2 of 'Three' up tomorrow. Two, I am going away for one last summer vacation with my family. I'm leaving tomorrow but I'll be back on Thursday so you won't have to wait too long! Thanks again! Reviews both inspire and encourage me!**


	3. Logic and Hope

**A/N. I planned to write this chapter on Thursday night but my brother needed to borrow my laptop for fantasy football. I detest football. Baseball will be over soon which means the start of my winter blues. Oh joy. But enough about me. Here is another chapter for the best readers and reviewers on Fan Fiction! I guess it's between C51 and C54. I don't own anything. . .**

Carlos sat up in bed, breathing hard. With a shaking hand he wiped the sweat from his forehead as he tried to steady his breathing. "Just a dream." He whispered to himself. His face was wet with tears and he wiped them away with his blanket. He kept his face buried in the warm, soft bed covering for a minute and struggled to calm down. His heart pumped wildly in his chest but slowed down with each deep breath he took.

His bedroom door opened and Carlos jumped. A thin stream of light pierced the darkness of the room. "Carlos?" Logan asked softly. He crossed the floor and sat down next to Carlos on the bed. "I. . . heard you. Crying." The pain in his voice was evident as he spoke. "Are you okay?" He watched as Carlos shrugged. "Another nightmare?"

"You should be in bed." Carlos ducked his head in shame. He hated having nightmares but they happened time and time again several times a week now. No matter how many times they occurred though, it never got any easier.

Logan ignored him and put a hand on his shoulder. "What happened this time?"

Carlos flinched slightly at the contact. "Same thing." He said bitterly. "You died." His voice cracked slightly on the last word and he had to bit his lip to keep from crying again. But he shuddered at the memory and wrapped his arms around himself as if to keep his emotions in check.

"Oh, Carlos." Logan's voice was filled with sadness. "I'm so sorry." He hesitated at Carlos' stiff posture, then drew him into a hug. He was relieved when Carlos allowed the embrace and relaxed just slightly. "Do you want to talk about it?" He offered.

But Carlos shook his head violently. "No." He said firmly. He didn't want to think about it let alone talk to Logan. He pulled away from Logan slowly. "You should go back to bed." He said again. His head ached and his heart was still beating wildly from the last remnants of the nightmare but he forced a smile to his face for Logan's sake. "I'm fine."

"Liar." Logan said so softly that Carlos almost didn't hear him. "You're not fine. None of us are." He dropped his gaze to his hands when he lost the courage to face Carlos and continued talking. "Carlos, these nightmares. . . they aren't normal. Maybe you need to get some help." The words came easier when he didn't have to see Carlos' reaction to them.

Carlos flinched at Logan's suggestion. "I do _not_ need help. I'm just having nightmares. It's not a big deal." His tone was sharper than he had intended and the two boys fell into an awkward silence. It wasn't long before Carlos sighed and turned to Logan, his eyes once again filled with tears. "I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I don't mean to push you away like this, Logan. I'm just worried about you."

"Yeah, well I'm worried about you, Carlos." Logan frowned. "You haven't had a nightmare in a long time. Months right?" He waiting until Carlos confirmed his guess with a nod. "Did something trigger it?"

"I. . . think so." Carlos whispered. He hesitated. "First promise me that you won't tell anyone else. I don't want to hurt him."

"Him?" Logan asked. "Who?"

Carlos sighed and looked down. "Kendall." He mumbled. He looked back up at Logan, a lone tear sliding down his cheek. "It scared me. What he said. About you."

Logan drew in a sharp breath as understanding hit. The broken sentences made sense together. "You mean about how he thinks I'm going to die?" He asked Carlos who nodded silently. "It's not something I ever expected either." He admitted.

"How can he think that?" Carlos asked. "This isn't about him being the leader who's supposed to hold all of us up. This is about him being our friend. Your friend. And he thinks you're going to die, Logan. Why? I know he can't be strong all the time but. . ." He lifted his shoulders in helpless frustration. "I don't even know what I'm saying."

"I do." Logan assured him. "Whether Kendall is the leader or not I always assumed that we all thought I- I mean, we would win this fight. Kendall never backs down so that makes it all the more scarier when he loses hope."

"Do. . . do you think Kendall needs help too?" Carlos ventured to ask the question that had been nagging at him for a while now.

When Logan laughed it wasn't the light, carefree, happy sound that Carlos was used to. It sounded harsh and afraid at the same time. "I think we all need help." He told his friend honestly. "But at least we're better than we have been in a while You know?"

His last words were a little comforting to Carlos and the younger boy smiled a little bit. "Yeah." He agreed. He twisted his fingers together nervously then said abruptly, "This time you died in your sleep."

It was Logan's turn to flinch at the other boy's words. "Oh." He managed to say.

Carlos went on. "It was just me, Kendall, and James. I don't know where anyone else was. But the four of us, because you were there too actually, were watching a hockey game. And then you fell asleep on Kendall's shoulder and we didn't think anything about it. Then when the game was over we couldn't wake you up. Kendall was shaking you and screaming at you to wake up and James was just staring and crying and I. . . I don't know what happened to me. I suddenly felt. . . numb. I couldn't feel anything. It was like I wasn't even there. I was just watching."

Logan was silent as he waited for Carlos to finish his narration. Then he spoke again. "Do you think that you had that nightmare because of what Kendall said? Because that might explain some other things. Like, when I was first getting sick and I fell asleep watching a hockey game."

"That was where it all began and I thought it had all ended in my dream." Carlos told him.

"But it was just a dream." Logan said firmly. "I'm still here." He looked at Carlos carefully, fear written all over his face.

"What?" Carlos asked, feeling uncomfortable under his friend's gaze.

Logan shook his head. "I was just thinking." He bit his lower lip. "I was just remembering what you were like before. . . I died or whatever you want to call it." He looked at Carlos. "You had nightmares all the time then and you weren't yourself. That was really hard to watch, Carlos. I don't want it to happen again but I'm afraid it might now that you had another nightmare."

Carlos sighed. "This is why I didn't want to tell you anything." He said to Logan. "You worry too much about other people. You need to worry about yourself more often."

"Well, I think everyone else worries about me enough as it is." Logan said regretfully. "Besides, I have you guys to help me. So I'm allowed to worry about you when you're hurting too." He grinned a little at Carlos' exasperated expression. "You do have to admit that I'm making a good point here."

"I can't say that it was one of your better points but it makes some sense." Carlos admitted. "You're still too selfless, Logan. Which is why I don't understand why any of this is happening in the first place. Use your logic there if you can."

Logan sighed. "I can't."

Carlos couldn't help but smirk slightly. "See? Not everything can be fixed with logic." Before Logan could say anything more he slid off his bed and walked over to his closet. His voice was muffled as he dug through the closet in the dark. "Which is why I ignore logic most of the time." He emerged from the closet and returned with a cardboard box. "It's not much." He told Logan as he sat back down. "It's harder than I thought it would be. I'm only up to four hundred and seventy three."

"Four hundred and seventy three what?" Logan asked in confusion. But Carlos had already carefully turned the box upside down to spill the contents on the covers. Logan picked a paper bird up and looked at it. "You're still doing this?" His voice was filled with disbelief.

Carlos nodded proudly. "Yup. I'm almost halfway there. It gets easier. Like, you can really tell which ones are newer and which are older." He grinned. "I bet you never thought that I could stay so focused on one thing for so long."

"Honestly?" Logan set the crane down. "I never did, Carlos. You've always wanted to move from one thing to the next more than anyone else I've ever met."

Carlos' grin faded. "It's different now." He said sadly. "I know you told me that the paper cranes didn't work for the girl in the story. And I know that they don't actually work for anyone. Because logic doesn't work that way. But logic isn't always right. If logic was always right then your mom wouldn't have died, your dad never would have left you, and you never would have gotten sick."

As much as Carlos' words hurt to hear, Logan laughed softly. "Carlos, your logic doesn't make any sense." He said gently. "Logic is always right. It's just not always fair."

"I hate logic." Carlos whispered. "I hate what it's doing to you and to us. That's why I'm doing this." His hand swept across the paper birds. "Because it gives me something else to think about. It makes me think of hope. I like hope a lot better than logic."

**A/N. I meant for this to be longer but I liked the way it ended. I hope you like it as well. I'm sorry if I missed replying to your reviews for the last chapter. I was away on vacation and then I came back to an insane amount of reviews for this and 'Three'. Speaking of 'Three', the next chapter of that angst fest will be up tomorrow. Thank you for all of your support! You guys truly are the best and I love you! Review?**


	4. Love Never Fails

**A/N. I have a love/hate relationship with completing stories. It makes me happy because I can then get started on an idea that's been in my head for weeks. It makes me sad because I get attached to the story itself. However, saying goodbye to this four chapter story is pretty easy compared to saying goodbye to fifty-five chapters of 'Little Hollow'. So here's the last chapter. It's set between C41 and C54. I hope you like it! I own nothing. . .**

Logan stared at his reflection in the mirror and cringed. He really did look awful. No matter how good he _felt_, he always looked sick. His skin was pale and stretched tight across his thin face. The ever present dark circles were there under his eyes. He had lost a lot of weight. It frightened him. He had always been thin but now he looked like a slight breeze might blow him over. So naturally, Logan tried to avoid looking in mirrors whenever possible. It was a lot easier to think that he might be getting better when he didn't have to see himself. But tonight the mirror was a miserable necessity.

He sighed and splashed cold water over his face to wake himself up. He was tired. But he was always tired so tonight he had decided to just ignore the fatigue that pulled at him and go along with his plans. But a self inflicted cold water treatment wouldn't hurt.

"Logan?" Kendall watched him from the bathroom door. His expression was full of concern and worry. "Are you feeling good enough to go out tonight? I'm sure Camille would understand if you guys just stayed here. We could give you some privacy if you want." He studied Logan closely. It was hard to tell how Logan was feeling simply by his appearance.

But Logan shook his head. "No, Kendall. I'm fine. I have to do this. Camille deserves a better date than hanging out with me in a place where we spend all our time anyway. I'm a little tired but I'll be fine for a few hours." He frowned at the face that stared back at him. "My only problem right now is knowing what to do with myself before I pick Camille up. I look. . ." He gave a helpless shrug. "Sick. I look sick and I hate that."

Kendall nodded sympathetically. He hated that he couldn't help his friend more. Just then a thought came to him and he grinned. "I know. Let me go get James."

* * *

Camille jumped at the sound of a knock at her apartment door. "Logan's here!" She called excitedly to her mother. She gave herself one last glance in the mirror before running to answer the door. Her heart thumped in her chest as she approached the door. Questions filled her mind: How would Logan be feeling? Would he like her outfit? What if- But every question ceased to exist when she saw Logan.

He was dressed fairly causally like he had told her to dress. But he still looked amazing in his gray dress shirt and nice jeans. A black vest helped hide his thin frame and his dark hair was spiked just so. He stood nervously in the door way, holding a bouquet of roses in one hand. When he saw Camille, his dark eyes lit up. "Wow." He said. "Camille, you look amazing."

"You look. . . perfect." Camille hugged him gently because he still looked breakable to her. She drew away and looked him over carefully. "Are you feeling good enough tonight?" She asked gently. She knew that Logan hated it when people fussed over him but there was no way they were going out if he felt too sick.

Logan nodded. "Definitely." He assured her. "I'm ready when you are."

"Wait!" They both jumped when Janice Sanders rushed into the room. "I have to take pictures of you two." She dragged them both over to the fireplace and immediately began taking pictures. Camille blushed furiously while Logan relaxed after the unexpected surprise and obliged Camille's mother by posing with his girlfriend.

"Perfect!" Mrs. Sanders exclaimed after what seemed like forever to Camille. She hugged her daughter quickly before ushering them out of the apartment. "Now go enjoy your night!"

"Sorry." Camille's face was still bright red. "My mom was a little excited about tonight." She ran a hand through her dark hair. "Ready?"

Logan stared at her for a moment before answering. She looked lovely. She wore a simply blue dress but it went beautifully with her hair and her eyes. He cleared his throat when he realized that she was waiting for him to respond. "Yeah. I'm ready."

* * *

"Logan, this is amazing." Camille looked around in wonder at the boat that she and Logan were eating their dinner on. There were eleven other tables besides theirs, each seating a couple. Waiters in white tuxes moved around on the gently rocking surface as easily as if they had been doing it their whole lives. Candles and lanterns were the only source of light, bathing the ocean below in a light glow. "How on earth did you get a reservation?"

At her question Logan smiled. "You probably won't believe me but Gustavo helped me."

Camille raised her eyebrows. "Really?" She laughed. "You know what? I'm not surprised that Gustavo did help you. He cares about you, Logan. All of you. What does surprise me is that you asked him. It doesn't seem like you."

Logan laughed. "Well, what happened was I ran into him the other day when I was buying your flowers. We were talking and I told him why I bought the flowers and he suggested this place. When I told him it was a little pricy not to mention impossible for me, he insisted on helping out. He said he knows a guy who works here." He glanced around them. "I can't imagine who but I'm really grateful for what he did. This is amazing."

Camille smiled. "We'll have to thank him properly as soon as possible."

Logan nodded in agreement then set aside his fork. His hands dropped to his lap and he looked down. "Um, Camille?" He began hesitantly.

"Is everything okay?" Camille asked immediately. She looked at Logan in concern. He looked a little pale. "Are you all right? Do you feel sick? Can I-"

"Camille!" Logan stopped her with a raised hand. "Relax. I'm absolutely fine. I just. . . I just wondering if you wanted to dance." The words spilled out in a hurry and he blushed and then nervously waited for her reply.

Instead of speaking, Camille stood up and grabbed his hands, leading him off the boat to the docks were several people were dancing to a small instrumental group. The two fell into an easy rhythm and Camille allowed her head to rest lightly on Logan's shoulder.

"I know I already said this tonight but you really do look beautiful." Logan whispered in her ear. "I mean, you always do but tonight is special."

Camille lifted her head to meet his gaze. She _loved_ his eyes. "Thanks but I feel pretty unspectacular next to you. I didn't know you had it in you."

Logan laughed again and Camille closed her eyes to capture the sound. "James helped me." He admitted. "I had no idea what to do. Back in Minnesota I only went out on double dates with him and one of his girlfriends. You and I have done some things together but I wanted tonight to be different."

"I guess I have to thank James then as well as Gustavo." Camille said softly.

"I have a lot of people to thank." Logan said as he turned from Camille to gaze out at the ocean. She followed him as he walked to the edge of the dock and sat down. Impulsively, he took her hand in his and laced their fingers together. "No matter what happens, there will always a part of me that will wonder what I did to deserve the people I have in my life."

Camille watched him as he spoke. "You're a special person, Logan. You deserve your friends."

"Do I deserve you?" Logan looked at her, his eyes bright with sudden tears. "Because I don't understand how I do." He went on before Camille could say anything. "It's how I feel about a lot of relationships in my life. As much as I try to forget about what happened with my dad I don't think I ever will. It makes me question what I have."

"Logan, I'm sure your friends have told you this but the only relationship that you didn't deserve to have was the one you had with your dad." Camille said firmly. "But," She added softly. "I can understand why you feel the way you do. Not that I know from personal experience or anything. It just makes sense."

"You always understand." Logan said gratefully. "The guys. . . I don't know. They're my best friends but they just can't look past what happened between me and my dad to understand. Kendall always hated him because he thinks he has to protect us all from getting hurt." He shook his head. "I guess in some ways Kendall wasn't just my best friend. He took care of me enough to be a kind of father figure."

"What exactly do Carlos and James think about you and your dad?" Camille asked curiously. Kendall was indeed the protector of the group but James was also extremely passionate and Carlos was as loyal as anyone could be.

"Carlos doesn't like to hurt my feelings. He's more sensitive than James and Kendall because he knows I don't want them to hate my dad. If I don't want to talk about it, he usually doesn't push too much. James, I guess is in the middle. It honestly depends on how he's feeling. James doesn't really have much control over his emotions." Logan frowned. "It worries me. He doesn't care about himself enough."

Camille rolled her eyes. "None of you do. That's why you deserve each other."

Logan smiled a little. "Oh, so that's why I deserve you right?"

"No," Camille shook her head. "I think we deserve each other because neither one of us thinks we deserve the other."

* * *

Camille and Logan sat on the beach together. The cool night wind blew over the ocean making the waves appear more ferocious than usual. After they had finished talking they had danced to a few songs before they wandered down to the sand where they could be alone.

Logan felt goosebumps on his arms but ignored them. Tonight was too perfect to ruin by getting cold and leaving. His gaze shifted from the enormous ocean to the vast expanse of sky overhead. "Do you ever feel. . . I mean have you ever looked at the sky or the ocean and noticed how big they both are?"

Camille leaned into the arm Logan had wrapped around her shoulders and turned his question over in her mind. "Yeah." She answered. "It scares me sometimes. Because you can't see the end."

"When we were fourteen James almost drowned." Logan said suddenly. "We were fishing and the canoe tipped us both out. I was fine but he caught his foot in an old fishing line or something. I had to use his pocket knife and pull him out." He shuddered at the memory. "For so long after that I was afraid of the water. It almost took my best friend away."

"I think that's how they all feel about you and your cancer, Logan." Camille said quietly. "Water can be so dangerous. Drowning has always been one of my biggest fears because you have to give up. But cancer is the same way. It's not like an accident or something horrible like a murder then you don't have a choice in the matter. You have to let it beat you."

Logan tightened his grip on Camille. "That's why I'm so grateful towards everyone." His voice caught in his throat. "I would have given up a long time ago. I would have taken a deep breath underwater and let myself drown. Figuratively speaking of course. I would have let the cancer win because there would be no point to living. But I have so many reasons to live that I can't give up now."

Camille felt her own eyes fill with tears. "Please don't ever give up." She whispered. "I need you. We all need you."

"Right now you do but maybe later you'll be ready." Logan replied. But his words were so soft that only he could hear them.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you." Camille sat up to face Logan. "What did you say?"

Logan swallowed around the lump in his throat. "I was just wondering if you ever looked at something like the sky or the ocean and. . ." He trailed off again as he searched for words. "See, I look at them and wonder if my life is significant at all. The world is so big and I'm just one person. You know? Why would my life matter so much?"

"Logan," Camille said, the tears now running silently down her face. "Everyone's life is significant in one way or another. You've impacted so many people's lives. You just sat here and told me that you saved James' life when you were fourteen. Isn't that significant? James would be dead right now." She watched as he flinched noticeably at her words. "See?" She laid her head on his shoulder. "Everyone matters somehow."

Logan shifted his position so that Camille had to sit up. His face was serious and thoughtful as he studied her.

"Is something wrong?" Camille almost hated herself for asking the question but she couldn't help herself. She knew that Logan was fine but it was still a relief when he shook his head. "What's on your mind then?"

She was so beautiful. Logan stared at her face that was illuminated by the full moon. Before he could think about what he was doing, he leaned forward and kissed Camille on the lips.

It had always been Camille who kissed Logan. He was much to shy to do anything so bold. But his kiss was gentle and when he pulled away he spoke the three words that Camille had always longed to hear.

"I love you."

**A/N. Ahem. I love how I can write something like C3 of 'Three' and this on the same day. I win. Or maybe I fail. I probably fail. Lol. Gosh, that was so freaking sappy I almost died writing it. Anyway, another story has come to an end. YAY! Tomorrow I'll post C4 of 'Three' and C1 of my newest story, 'Innocence Lost'. Please review this final chapter! **


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